While with certain debates, common ground is seemingly unattainable (abortion, is Kim K's ass real, the redemptive qualities of mayonnaise), there's still an issue on which I feel we can all unite in 2013: this has been one disturbingly horrific year for mainstream pop music.
Sure, there were glimmers of promise back in January: Justin had emerged from tone-deaf acting, Beyonce conquered the Super Bowl and appeared to be on the path to her new record (and thus, our eternal salvation) and a small bird specimen from the Jungle of Disney known as "The Cyrus" was cooing ever so loudly about reincarnation. At the top of the year, we also anxious awaited new drops from GaGa, Perry and Spears. And of course, like the Coca-Cola truck at Christmas, no November would be complete without the requisite, factory-line hodgepodge we call "Yearly Rihanna Music Product™."
But as things turned out, exactly none of these things happened. Each release was either a bloated "meh" (Gaga, Timberlake), a bland offering aimed squarely at thirteen-year-olds (Perry), or a bafflingly mixed bag of promise and controversy à la Ms Cyrus. Some albums never even materialized, leaving much of the pop heavy-lifting to newcomers like Lorde, Charli XCX and Ariana Grande, who rose to the occasion and delivered some uniformly excellent records.
However, what of our fallen pop titans of yore (c. 2010) and how can they redeem themselves in the new year? That's where I come in. Below are my diagnoses and prescriptions for how some beloved pop veterans can turn the beat around in 2014.
Rihanna: Over the past eight years, Rihanna has rather inexplicably morphed into our most reliable pop star, consistently delivering bangers with multi-format appeal and experimenting with unapologetic (hardy har, I'm sorry, that was cheap) abandon. Rih's issue lies with her pace (seven albums in eight years!), a breakneck release schedule that has rendered her yearly albums into four great singles surrounded by 7 questionable though sometimes fleetingly-fun filler tracks. Even her best LPs (Good Girl Gone Bad, Loud) are a smorgasbord of genres that don't hold together as albums. Rih's 2014 move is to make a pointed artistic statement. Or just any statement, really. Basically I will accept a record that is ethereally coherent as long as it's not 13 completely random tracks recorded with 16,879 different collaborators.
Beyonce: If Bey's fifth album had dropped at the beginning of the year as rumored, I woulda been cool with another exploratory record where she culled from her influences and produced an artful, well-executed set of tracks devoid of a hit single. Let's call it 4 II: Revenge of Blue Ivy. But after a year of delays, Bey needs to dish out so much more than just quality: Bitch needs a fucking hit. Not a "Run The World (Girls)," borderline, "aww, it's cute that you're here, Bey!" trifle. I'm talking a "Crazy In Love," "Single Ladies," culture-conquering, life-affirming, death-defying hit. I want to hear the new Beyonce single and feel certain that God exists.
Justin Timberlake: I've already said my piece on JT. Maybe it's time to give a tell-all on N'SYNC a spin?
Katy Perry: For you, Ms. Perry, my prescription is simple: Do anything else. Literally anything at all. Witch-house? Fine. A cover album of classic, medieval bard tunes from the Nordic region? Super! A dubstep / string-quartet hybrid where you appear playing only a distorted, wobbling electric viola for 14 tracks? Well, that'd be just stupendous. All I'm saying is do anything besides another album where an apparently intelligent, 30-year-old divorcee sings the lyrics "I went from zero to my own hero" with a straight face. Cool? Cool.
Miley Cyrus: Please just relax. After the last three months, I think we could all use a serious time-out, ya know? We need some space.
Lady GaGa: I have to confess something: I kinda like ARTPOP in spite of itself. Sure, it's not the "reverse-Warholian" mind-fuck GaGa may or may not think it is, but we should be thanking God for that! It's mostly just fun, dumb pop songs with soaring melodies and a lot of GaGa's freakishly bizarre yet compelling personality.
Adele: Sing. Just keep doing the singing, it's really marvelous.
So that's that and you're welcome, Beyonce. Also, those of you mentioned above looking for new A&R, I clearly have tons of free time and am brimming with ideas for you!
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